Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
You Might Also Like
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Kentucky names the shit out of places
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.