“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”