Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Finally! 😈
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Google Pay be like:
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.