alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”

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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon


Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*


[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call


There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p


When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.


I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops


Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.


I’m pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, ‘I’ll take a number two’, multiple times so she could laugh at me.


A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too


Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”