In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down