Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
You Might Also Like
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before
If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.