Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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Me in quarantine vs the story imma tell my grandkids.
Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos
As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.
“Ho, ho, ho!”
-Santa doing a head count
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
CHRISTEN: thank you