@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

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@Cheeseboy22

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

@TheAlexNevil

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

@DomBorrett

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

@ndiquote

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

@Pee_And_Giggles

My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@Jamie1947

Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before

@djr_102

If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.

@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.