@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

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@SpacePlankton

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

@BoogTweets

Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.

@Ygrene

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

@wolfpupy

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

@geniusindisgize

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

@ShortSleeveSuit

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime