Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
But wait…
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.