Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.


Just kidding. He totally threw up.


Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos


As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.


[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this


occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt


If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah


boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!


CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten


CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime