Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey