Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

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I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.


My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.


Sometimes words just aren’t enough.

And that’s why we have middle fingers.


Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.


My wife thinks I’m stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she’s stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.


Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.


“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean


Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.