@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

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@myonlymizztake

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

@WilliamAder

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

@nachdermas

i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it

@surrealvehicle

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

@LostFelicia

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

@hipstermermaid

“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.

@gabbazaba

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey