@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

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@WSiefford

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

@karanbirtinna

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

@PoorEvelyn

Sometimes words just aren’t enough.

And that’s why we have middle fingers.

@Tmoney68

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@sucittaM

My wife thinks I’m stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she’s stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@QueefTornado

Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.