Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My sex drive has a dui
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?