alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
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Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
#parenting
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday