[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
CW: It’s gonna get cold!
Me: You’re gonna die.
CW: Excuse me?
Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.