Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.

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*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.


I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.


I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early


1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money


The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.


Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym


Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.