Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.

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[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out


And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa


Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop


We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.


One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.


Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.


ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.


[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!


Cat: Tomato Tomahto


CW: It’s gonna get cold!

Me: You’re gonna die.

CW: Excuse me?

Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.