Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”