ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My background check bounced.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
cause of death:
autopsy.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.