Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap