“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.


Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.


Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other


Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.


When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.


I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.


Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.


The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.