@flashember

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

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@rcromwell4

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@chrisanna4real

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

@jwalkonthemoon

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

@Vice_Queen

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

@Marlebean

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.