Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Let’s go outside.

3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me.

Wife: Deer don’t eat people

3: The zombie ones do

Wife: Get your dad. Now.

@WheelTod

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

@ThisOneSayz

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@Gupton68

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

@KatieBurnett

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

@GoldenSpirals

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

@Leslie_Annie

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

@markydoodoo

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes