Wife: Let’s go outside.
3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me.
Wife: Deer don’t eat people
3: The zombie ones do
Wife: Get your dad. Now.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes