Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

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me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests

cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers


Things I’ve heard my kid’s 2nd grade teacher say over Zoom:

“Put your tongue back in your mouth”
“Take your finger out of your nose”
“Put that dog down”
“Take the blanket off your head”
“I have no idea why you have scissors in your hand”

Bless her.


MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan


I only came to this school reunion because one of you’ve got my Wu Tang tape.


Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.


“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”

I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.