Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
You Might Also Like
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.