[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.