@TuSoonShakur

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

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@DrunksWithGuns

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

@0v3rthOught

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

@skittle624

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

@dshack8

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

@n0tblonde

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

@Cpin42

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

@TheTweetOfGod

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

@Kendragarden

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

@alexlumaga

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood