Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
You Might Also Like
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood