ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*