DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time
TOILET PAPER: bro
ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok
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Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
I am now running out of paper towels.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.