[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
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This did not end as expected.
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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1. if they stop swimming
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why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men