@CelebrityChez

“Alexa am I drunk?”

Chapstick:

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@shkeeber

I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.

@stockejock

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

@Browtweaten

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

@ItsyBitsySwagg

Brain : I’ll sleep early tonight

Internet : Hahaha
TV : Hahaha
Books : Hahaha
Insomnia : Hahaha

@JediGigi

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

@Donna_McCoy

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

@GeorgeResch

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

@wickedsuga

My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.

@FatherWithTwins

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT