if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
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Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)