I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.
“Alexa am I drunk?”
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I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Brain : I’ll sleep early tonight
Internet : Hahaha
TV : Hahaha
Books : Hahaha
Insomnia : Hahaha
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT