It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You Might Also Like
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
BRO LMFAO
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”