“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
That earthquake could have been an email.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way