angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”