@skickwriter

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

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@Julescoop

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

@Matt_The_1st

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

@Serrano___

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

@TheMichaelRock

Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.

@deegeemindi

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

@QwertyJones3

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

@Dawn_M_

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.