@skickwriter

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

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@Ciara_Knight

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

@AdamBroud

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

@bourgeoisalien

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

@buttcrunchy

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@SteveKoehler22

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

@ibid78

Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

@KeetPotato

technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs

@TheBoydP

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

@lindseyallen

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.