The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.
Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.