Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Accurate
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.