Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

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The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.


Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.


Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*


Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.


My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.


Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.


[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.


I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.