Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.


Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”


Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy


Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap


The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.


I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone


I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.


Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.