@skickwriter
@Voiceofgarth
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
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@Voiceofgarth
@Cheeseboy22
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
@ccconnecticunt
I liked Meatloaf before he got soft and changed his name to Adele.
@ItsAndyRyan
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
@notalogin
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
@rockingtheshow
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
@jenniferfralic
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
@furbyburglar
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
@Sarcasticsapien
I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.
@DurtMcHurtt
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.