@skickwriter

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

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@Voiceofgarth

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

@notalogin

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

@jenniferfralic

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

@furbyburglar

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.

@DurtMcHurtt

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.