Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-
Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.