Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.