Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.