alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
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You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.