alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

You Might Also Like


Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL


“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application


I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets.

Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million.

Kids, don’t stay in school.


Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”


and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.


Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought


[first day as a serial killer]

Victim: you ok?

Me: there’s just so much blood


Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?


My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.