@MattBellassai

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

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@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

@SadPeruna

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

@nerdreign

I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets.

Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million.

Kids, don’t stay in school.

@HomeWithPeanut

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

@ericarhodes

and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.

@GroovyTasia

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

@CrockettForReal

[first day as a serial killer]

Victim: you ok?

Me: there’s just so much blood

@NourHadidi

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

@Bob_Janke

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.