Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
This is sending me to another galaxy
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.