“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
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TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
cyclists
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
become ungovernable
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?