@Holy_Mowgli

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

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@thatdutchperson

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

@ADHDeanASL

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

@KimmyMonte

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

@InternetHippo

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

@TweetPotato314

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

@steeve_again

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

@casablankstare

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

@sir_shithead_I

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.