[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
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NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.