Alexa; make it look like an accident
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Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Love is always patient and kind.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.