@uhhhhhoksure
@TheWidowmakerX
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
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@TheWidowmakerX
@UnFitz
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
@markleggett
I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].
@RickAaron
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
@KevinFrisbee
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
@DrakeGatsby
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
@LoveNLunchmeat
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
@mrjohndarby
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
@Vodkantots
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.
@nsterdan
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?