Alexa, make me look good naked.
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“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is