Alexa, make me look good naked.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’