Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
“I’m helping” 😅
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Welcome
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.