“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
R.I.P.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?