@doggiedogthedog

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

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@hermanntrude

A polar bear can swim up to 160 km without resting

I need a break between putting on one sock and the other

@bwebster76

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

@TheCatWhisprer

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

@ddsmidt

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

@sweetmomissa

The last time I cleaned my teenagers room, I found an empty bottle of lotion under his bed. So yeah like I said, the last time I clean his room. EVER.

@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

@Steelers1972

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….