Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.