[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Me: Nope. No way.
[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit
kid: did you die?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping