@cray_at_home_ma

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

@GrumpyBahr

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

@ramenfuneral

me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit
kid: did you die?
me: hmm

@wit_haze

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

@RiIeyJokess

“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.

@behindyourback

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

@VerbsRProudest

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

@JohnLyonTweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

@T_Bonezzz_

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping