Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet


I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe


Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.


5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?


Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.


6: Dad, did you used to be a cop?

Me: No, why do you ask? Is it because I’m cool under pressure and demand your respect?

6: No, I found handcuffs under your bed.


“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”


My phone always asks if I “Trust This Computer” like it knows something I don’t.


“Your storage is full” thanks Apple, I’ll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I’ll always have the stocks app


Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you