@cray_at_home_ma

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

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@TheAlexNevil

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

@BlindChow

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

@LurkAtHomeMom

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

@TheFunnyWorId

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

@prodigal_bran

6: Dad, did you used to be a cop?

Me: No, why do you ask? Is it because I’m cool under pressure and demand your respect?

6: No, I found handcuffs under your bed.

@LoriGallucci

“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

@delusions_of

My phone always asks if I “Trust This Computer” like it knows something I don’t.

@jonni_howard

“Your storage is full” thanks Apple, I’ll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I’ll always have the stocks app

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you