Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Okay, I’m still confused…
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.