“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Peace was never an option
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Got ya covered
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.