Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
You Might Also Like
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Unexpected Judgment
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up