@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

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@SteveKoehler22

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

@liv_thatsme

I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.

@ericonederful

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

@Jennifergr8

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

@urmumsausername

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

@junejuly12

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

@tacsanitchiban

My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.

@david8hughes

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.