My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van