Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
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Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Kisses are like real estate ….
Location Location Location
WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can’t be fast.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.