Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

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Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT”


Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.


My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore


For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.


HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise


[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”


WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can’t be fast.


My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.