@MouthEaters

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

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@kyry5

Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT”

@WilliamAder

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

@toriavaa

My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore

@bingowings14

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise

@david8hughes

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

@hippocroteez

WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can’t be fast.

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.