“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO