Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Great Canadian literature.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.