If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.