Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Still laughing at this stupid meme
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Choose your fighter
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Heroic Misunderstanding
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6