@trojansauce

ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne

You Might Also Like

@wickedsuga

alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.

@Jamberee13

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

@Cheles_G

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

@TheAndrewNadeau

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

@BunAndLeggings

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

@usedwigs

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

@NinjaFuneral

Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…

@ValeeGrrl

My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn’t at all concern & terrify me.

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@InigoUnleashed

Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!