alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh


batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

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I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I’m working just because I came to work today.


Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.


A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam

The other 40% of us would rock that shit


Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man


*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*


ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.


Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?