90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
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anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!
God: you’re an elephant.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won