@TheToddWilliams

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

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@LurkAtHomeMom

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

@jaboukie

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

@joshgondelman

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@Tbone7219

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

@KalvinMacleod

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

@InigoUnleashed

Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

@BuckyIsotope

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won