[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
You Might Also Like
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
classic mixup
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
and this one
😂🤣😂🤣
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.