AlgeBron James is the best mathlete in the league

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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.


actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months


[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”


*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”


I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.


Never tell a joke about a midget. They can come back to bite you on the ass



– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry


If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?


Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.