@SatansTongue

AlgeBron James is the best mathlete in the league

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@Tmoney68

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

@tbhjuststop

actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months

@Book_Krazy

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

@KevinBuffalo

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

@ConanOBrien

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

@VerifiedJayy

Never tell a joke about a midget. They can come back to bite you on the ass

@Staggfilms

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

@soccerskiingmom

If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?

@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.