Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?