Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something