things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.