My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?